Why Not Me?

Open any social media app and you’ll find yourself inundated with Heated Rivalry content. Or maybe that’s just my algorithm. Being that it is a hockey romance novel turned spicy television adaptation, it could not be more suited to my interests. Even my favorite hockey podcast, What Chaos!, is talking about the show.

As much as I am enjoying being a fan, I have been spending a lot of time wondering if this could happen with one of my books. That’s not why I write. But I’d be lying if I said I never think about having the kind of success that has my book title on everyone’s mind like Rachel Reid is having with her Game Changer series.

Having spent a good portion of my life trying not to be perceived, it’s a wild notion to even consider wanting to be ‘famous’ in any capacity. And to be honest, I don’t really want the fame part. What I’d like is for something I spent a lot of time creating to ‘hit’ people in the feels the way these characters and their stories have.

I’m about to get real and raw here. You can stop reading now if that’s not your thing. 

Let me start by saying I have a privileged life. I’m painfully aware how many people cannot say that they always have food on the table and a roof over their heads. But, anxiety, depression, and disability do not discriminate. And my life hasn’t exactly been a barrel of laughs. 

A long time ago in a galaxy far far away…a friend once told me ‘God’ would not have given me this life if I wasn’t built to deal with it. While I believe this person, one of my oldest and closest friends to this day, meant well, God is cruel, and I am still trying to figure out what I did to deserve this test. 

If I believed in any sort of deity, I’d ask them, out of all the things I could have been “gifted-” the overwhelming desire to be a writer - why then also “gift” me with a speech impediment and an untreatable, un-nameable disability?

People like me rarely get what we want. 

When I started to write this entry, it was with a modicum of hope. For a brief, fading moment I could see a time when Lose Control, or My Soul to Keep, or whatever future projects I may have on the horizon might catch fire like Heated Rivalry has. Alas, I took too long to gather my thoughts, and the monster living in my head showed up with its ‘I think not’ roar to tell me all the reasons why it will never be me. 

Deep down I know Lose Control and my darlings Tom, Ethan, and Kyler have only been in the world for six months. And Ilya Rosanov and Shane Hollander have had a lot more time to be discovered. 

Doesn’t make me feel any better. 

I know this wasn’t the best way to start off this blog, but it was honest, and I hope you’ll stick around, because honesty is about the only thing I am good at these days. xo